Rick Coons, Psy.D.
I was born into a world that hated me. I was informed that I was perverted, revolting
and condemned to burn in Hell. I was a gay child, six years of age and a sexual
deviant. I thought of myself sexually way before I was capable of understanding what it
all meant. When I first experienced the attraction I had for other boys I realized in horror
that all of the labels were accurate. I was a pervert. I was this completely unacceptable
thing that people had already seen. I did my best to deny it and act the way I was told I
should. I did everything that was expected of me but it was never enough. With an
unmanly pop of the hip or a break in the wrist, I would eventually give away my true
nature. I battled furiously against the over powering desire and lust I felt for other men.
I would shamefully give into the erotic fantasies and then annihilate myself for my
weakness. I was disgusted with this body that become aroused against my will by
thoughts and images of male sexuality. This was my foundation for my sexual
development as a gay man. Rooted in a sense of insidious perversion, I built the rest of
my identity.
It should be quite understandable that my sexual identity and sexual behavior would be
forever impacted. No matter how much my head tells me that I am worthy of love and
sexual fulfillment, my core continues to remind me of my unworthiness. My sexual
behavior reflected this understanding of who I was. If I saw myself as a sexual deviant,
then I would behave as such. I made sexual choices that confirmed this deviance. I
allowed things that only someone without a sense of worth would allow. I ignored
personal safety and contracted a virus that is still without a cure. I said yes because I
didn’t deserve to say no. All the while hoping that someone would see something in me
that was lovable so that I could know it for myself.
My healing began as I understood that I alone decide what is shameful when it comes
to my body and what I choose to do with it. I rejected the cultural ideology of what was
sexually acceptable because I realized the culture was wrong. We have all been lied to
for many hundreds if not thousands of years. We have given authority on sexual
matters to those who are unqualified to have such authority. They have poisoned our
minds in order to support their outdated superstitions. The truth is we are sexual beings.
Period. Evolution, the universe, or whatever you want to call it, has given us the
inherent right to experience ourselves as fully realized sexual beings. Within the
confines of an adult, consensual relationship, I decide what is right for me and no one
will ever tell me otherwise. Not ever again.
Gay sexual empowerment means experiencing sex without shame or apology. Sex that
integrates integrity, rejects religious dogma, and cultural bigotry. Empowering gay men
to embrace same-sex sexual expression and begin healing the trauma of the sexual
abuse perpetrated by a homophobic and heterosexist society. Within the safe and
supportive group environment at the Institute for Sexual Health, gay men learn how to
cultivate this empowerment. It is through this therapeutic process that gay men can
learn how to own the power of gay sexuality while also improving sexual performance
and overall fulfillment. It also works to help gay men see HIV and STI’s for what they
really are, as simply the consequences of micro-biology and not moral retribution. It
means moving toward more appropriate and responsible personal risk taking and away
from fear mongering and hysteria. It helps to decrease drug and alcohol use and other
compulsive sexual behaviors that have been used for the purposes of managing the
shame surrounding the sex we want and are entitled to. It supports growth of
acceptance for our bodies, minds and spirit. It nourishes love for ourselves, for each
other and the expression of that love sexually. There is no longer a need to hide in the
shadows or shrink in the presence of cultural indignation. The gay community serves a
purpose of demonstrating where society is lacking and falling behind. By healing
ourselves and empowering the community, we will help heal society. A society riddled in
sexual shame.
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